The problem with writing a blog is that some of the people reading this know who I am. Family, friends (what's left of them), co-workers...and how much...how much am I really supposed to let me them know...
Not enough and it's hackneyed crap. Too much and perhaps I ruin relationships and nobody talks to me again. But who I am I helping if I cover everything with glitter and jellybeans? Nobody.
I'll be back. Probably.
Wednesday, November 25, 2015
Wednesday, July 2, 2014
Are Your Birth Control Pills Making You Crazy?
This was something I addressed in my last post but, due to the fact that my post was a tome and I didn't address it until the very end, I would hate for it to have been missed. Therefore, I want to say it again: a little more concisely this time.
Ladies: your birth control pills may be making you a rage monster. Many people, even some doctors, will dismiss this idea along with some insulting quip along the lines of, "Aren't all women just crazy?" Do not listen to them. Do not be embarrassed into dismissing something that could be a real problem. Some women can be affected so strongly by their birth control pills that they feel like they have lost their mind. Speaking for myself, I would lose my temper to the point where I would envision the most violent things: from smashing things in the kitchen to wanting to drive my car into a pole: all in the hope that it may be cathartic enough to alleviate the insurmountable rage. I have since spoken to several doctors who assured me that birth control absolutely can have this affect on some women: it's not in their head!
Whenever the anger set in, the real me was no longer behind the wheel. I was in their somewhere, deeply pleading with the anger to go away and stop saying/doing terrible things, but it wasn't until I had gone too far (like upsetting someone I loved) when the real me was finally able to take back over and the evil would scurry away until next time.
As previously addressed in my blog, I thought the rage and anxiety was just me (I had been on the birth control pills so many years that I never considered them to be a potential culprit) so I ended up on one psychotropic drug or another for a little over 4 years. For numerous reasons I had to come off them and ultimately, to my utter despair, felt the rage begin to sneak back in. It wasn't until I met up with an old friend who described how her birth control pills basically turned her into the Hulk that I realized that this insanity wasn't innate after all: it was the birth control! I had never heard anyone else ever mention this so it simply never occurred to me. Needless to say, I jumped off of them immediately. I was so upset: I had taken psychotropic drugs for 4 years to handle something that was being caused by a pill in the first place.
So, like I said, I came off the birth control. For a brief time, I blissfully enjoyed life without crazy rage. I was over the moon with relief. This warrants repeating: without the birth control pills, my (unwarranted) rage, which I had since I went on them at age 16, was GONE. This is the most important part of this entry, but if you're interested in withdrawal details, there is more...
Unfortunately, my body is still sorting itself out. I have only been off them a brief time so, while I did enjoy a brief period of experiencing what life will be like without the pills, my hormones are still in the process of evening themselves out, so my sanity still comes and goes. This, sadly, is coinciding with my continued withdrawals from the most recent psychotropic drug I was on (Lexapro). I thought I was finally out of the woods with the Lexapro withdrawals, but it turns out a percentage of people who take them (I believe it's 40%) can have withdrawals that last well over a year once they stop. The withdrawals come in cycles. I will be fine for awhile, then all of a sudden all the withdrawals are back. They include such fun things as anger, deep depression, anxiety, as well as a long list of physical issues: I'll spare you those. The Lexapro withdrawals combined with my hormones trying to even themselves out have made me the most fun person in the world to spend time with...if you're a masochist. My poor, poor husband. If it were at all feasible I would lock myself away in a hotel until all of this nonsense was finally over. I can only hope that I am close to the finish line, and that in the near future both the chemicals in my brain and my hormones will have finally recovered from all those abominable pills I never should have taken in the first place. I absolutely believe in the power of positive thinking, so if anyone who reads this could please take a brief moment to will all of this nasty business to be over more quickly, I would greatly appreciate it.
Until next time :)
Ladies: your birth control pills may be making you a rage monster. Many people, even some doctors, will dismiss this idea along with some insulting quip along the lines of, "Aren't all women just crazy?" Do not listen to them. Do not be embarrassed into dismissing something that could be a real problem. Some women can be affected so strongly by their birth control pills that they feel like they have lost their mind. Speaking for myself, I would lose my temper to the point where I would envision the most violent things: from smashing things in the kitchen to wanting to drive my car into a pole: all in the hope that it may be cathartic enough to alleviate the insurmountable rage. I have since spoken to several doctors who assured me that birth control absolutely can have this affect on some women: it's not in their head!
Whenever the anger set in, the real me was no longer behind the wheel. I was in their somewhere, deeply pleading with the anger to go away and stop saying/doing terrible things, but it wasn't until I had gone too far (like upsetting someone I loved) when the real me was finally able to take back over and the evil would scurry away until next time.
As previously addressed in my blog, I thought the rage and anxiety was just me (I had been on the birth control pills so many years that I never considered them to be a potential culprit) so I ended up on one psychotropic drug or another for a little over 4 years. For numerous reasons I had to come off them and ultimately, to my utter despair, felt the rage begin to sneak back in. It wasn't until I met up with an old friend who described how her birth control pills basically turned her into the Hulk that I realized that this insanity wasn't innate after all: it was the birth control! I had never heard anyone else ever mention this so it simply never occurred to me. Needless to say, I jumped off of them immediately. I was so upset: I had taken psychotropic drugs for 4 years to handle something that was being caused by a pill in the first place.
So, like I said, I came off the birth control. For a brief time, I blissfully enjoyed life without crazy rage. I was over the moon with relief. This warrants repeating: without the birth control pills, my (unwarranted) rage, which I had since I went on them at age 16, was GONE. This is the most important part of this entry, but if you're interested in withdrawal details, there is more...
Unfortunately, my body is still sorting itself out. I have only been off them a brief time so, while I did enjoy a brief period of experiencing what life will be like without the pills, my hormones are still in the process of evening themselves out, so my sanity still comes and goes. This, sadly, is coinciding with my continued withdrawals from the most recent psychotropic drug I was on (Lexapro). I thought I was finally out of the woods with the Lexapro withdrawals, but it turns out a percentage of people who take them (I believe it's 40%) can have withdrawals that last well over a year once they stop. The withdrawals come in cycles. I will be fine for awhile, then all of a sudden all the withdrawals are back. They include such fun things as anger, deep depression, anxiety, as well as a long list of physical issues: I'll spare you those. The Lexapro withdrawals combined with my hormones trying to even themselves out have made me the most fun person in the world to spend time with...if you're a masochist. My poor, poor husband. If it were at all feasible I would lock myself away in a hotel until all of this nonsense was finally over. I can only hope that I am close to the finish line, and that in the near future both the chemicals in my brain and my hormones will have finally recovered from all those abominable pills I never should have taken in the first place. I absolutely believe in the power of positive thinking, so if anyone who reads this could please take a brief moment to will all of this nasty business to be over more quickly, I would greatly appreciate it.
Until next time :)
Sunday, June 8, 2014
Life without medication
I had, for all intents and purposes, pretty much abandoned this blog. The reason I am back is because of the sheer number of people who contacted me when I first started writing in here, thanking me for being so open and honest about my experiences. If anyone gets anything good out of this crap, then it's worth sharing :) .
I may regret this post, but I think I should leave it up as a cautionary tale, if nothing else...
Ahem...
It's been months since I posted something which, honestly, is a sign that things were going really well...but here I am about to post something new...uh oh.
I had to look back at my last post from almost a year ago to make an attempt the fill in the gap by seeing where I left off. The last time I wrote I was back on Lexapro. It did ultimately, successfully, even out my mood, and I did get back to some semblance of feeling like a "normal" person. Dangerous word, normal. Unfortunately, the insufferable chronic pain from fibromyalgia compounded with the exhaustion from being on Lexapro was making my life barely a life at all. I had no energy and was in almost constant pain. My life revolved around the small relief I would get from taking very strong painkillers, which gave me enough relief that I could function, but also made me kinda stupid and, ultimately, even more tired. I was under the impression that most of the exhaustion was due to the fibromyalgia and was therefore something from which I could not escape. After months of this, my doctor suggested I go do a sleep study. The study revealed that I was only getting 22 minutes of REM sleep each night. The doctor was convinced that this was not a result of the fibro, but a result of the Lexapro. Also (vanity), after 4 years of being on Lexapro or something in the psychedelic drug family, I had gained 32 pounds. 32!! Enough! I decided I was ditching the Lexapro, ridding myself of psychedelic drugs altogether, and that I would battle my anger demon on my own. Besides, maybe I was old enough that I would have grown out of it by that point.
***I am not proud of anything that happened in the following paragraph. I am writing about it because I don't think there is enough said about things like this. Hell, I am writing this whole damn blog as kind of a cautionary tale. Yes, it is cathartic for me to write about it, but I do genuinely hope that it helps at least one person who has gone through/is going through/could go through the same thing. You're not alone. You're not crazy.***
So, in November of 2013, I jumped off Lexapro completely in about 1 week. I cannot stress this enough: NEVER DO WHAT I DID. You are supposed to wean off those types of drugs very slowly. I thought I would be strong enough to get through the withdrawals and just wanted to be done with it, so I jumped off way too fast. As a result, I went through the worst extremes you could possibly imagine. Desperate, despondent misery, suicidal tendencies, rage, misery again, having the constitution of a newborn kitten: I was a mess. I can't even remember the specifics that well because I have blocked most of them out. At one point, my husband wanted to tie our legs together so that he would be able to feel if I woke up, potentially with the urge to do something insane. When I say suicidal tendencies, I mean I had to sprint from the kitchen so that I couldn't be near anything sharp. At one point, I did take a knife to myself. It's a very, very strange thing. The desire, the craving to cut myself was like the craving you get when you want to eat a whole bowl of cookie dough, except much more dangerous and, of course, insane. I cut the top of my arm multiple times with a steak knife. I cannot stress enough that I am not proud of this. The insane, intense urges completely take over your body. You're lucky if you can feel "you" in there at all. "You" are not in charge anymore. When you take away a drug like Lexapro that quickly, your serotonin level falls through the floor. For all intents and purposes you become, chemically, a depressed crazy person. So, if you or anyone you know is thinking of coming off their anti-anxiety/anti-depressant please, for the love of God, tell them to wean off it very, very slowly. From what I have been told, 60% of people will have no side effects at all. 40% of people will experience some degree of what I went through. There is no way of knowing which category you will fall into so, I beg of you, please be careful. To be honest, if it weren't for my husband, I don't know if I would still be here.
Ultimately I did come back to planet earth. The chemicals in my body finally evened out, and I felt like myself again. It took about 3 months for my emotions to recalibrate themselves, and about another 2 months for the physical side effects to subside. No, I'm not exaggerating.
So, a few months pass and, finally, I had most of my energy back. My biggest fear was, of course, that my anxiety would come back now that I didn't have any pills in my system to even me out. For a very long time, I felt perfectly fine. I was actually getting a chance to enjoy my life: my family, my amazing husband, our dogs, our house, our work, even the cats! Every once in a great while, my anxiety/rage (my demon, as I call it) would rear it's obnoxious, evil little head. In those moments, I would lose myself and the demon would take over. It wasn't until the given situation went too far (I said something I regretted or finally broke down into tears) that it would pass and I could, once again, get me back. The situations were much more rare than they had been years ago, but still happened nevertheless. The fact that they were happening at all was unacceptable to me, but I refused to take a pill. Not after what I had already gone through, and put those around me through.
Through sheer serendipity, I actually found the cause. After years and years of thinking that this is who I was, thinking I was crazy, hating myself for allowing anger to consume me at times for no apparent reason, losing control of myself, it turned out that is wasn't me at all. I met up with a friend who I hadn't seen since high school. At one point during the hours we spent catching up, she mentioned that she had needed to come off birth control pills because they made her a crazy rage monster. I had been on birth control pills since I was 16 and had never given a second thought to the possibility that all this insane rage I had experienced on and off all those subsequent (16) years was anything other than me, the stereotypical "crazy chick." I had driven myself absolutely nuts, many a time thinking I was a horrible, awful person. I had put myself on these awful, mind-altering pills for years (Lexapro, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Abilify, etc) that almost killed me when I came off of them. All of this because I was absolutely convinced there was something inherently wrong with me. All those years, and not until I was 32 did I reconnect with a girl who had experienced the exact same thing, but she realized it was a result of the birth control.
I have never taken another birth control pill and my anxiety/rage, the evil "demon" that took over and made me feel like I was just a huge pile of worthless, wicked crap: gone. Insane. 16 years of thinking there was something wrong with me, all because of a little birth control pill. Who knew?
So, this blog entry is a giant mess, isn't it? Well, I'm not much of a writer. There is more that I want to share, but I think this entry has gone on quite long enough, so I will save it for next time.
I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that at least one person out there gets something out of this, whatever it may be. Then this whole mess of crap won't have happened for nothing :)
I may regret this post, but I think I should leave it up as a cautionary tale, if nothing else...
Ahem...
It's been months since I posted something which, honestly, is a sign that things were going really well...but here I am about to post something new...uh oh.
I had to look back at my last post from almost a year ago to make an attempt the fill in the gap by seeing where I left off. The last time I wrote I was back on Lexapro. It did ultimately, successfully, even out my mood, and I did get back to some semblance of feeling like a "normal" person. Dangerous word, normal. Unfortunately, the insufferable chronic pain from fibromyalgia compounded with the exhaustion from being on Lexapro was making my life barely a life at all. I had no energy and was in almost constant pain. My life revolved around the small relief I would get from taking very strong painkillers, which gave me enough relief that I could function, but also made me kinda stupid and, ultimately, even more tired. I was under the impression that most of the exhaustion was due to the fibromyalgia and was therefore something from which I could not escape. After months of this, my doctor suggested I go do a sleep study. The study revealed that I was only getting 22 minutes of REM sleep each night. The doctor was convinced that this was not a result of the fibro, but a result of the Lexapro. Also (vanity), after 4 years of being on Lexapro or something in the psychedelic drug family, I had gained 32 pounds. 32!! Enough! I decided I was ditching the Lexapro, ridding myself of psychedelic drugs altogether, and that I would battle my anger demon on my own. Besides, maybe I was old enough that I would have grown out of it by that point.
***I am not proud of anything that happened in the following paragraph. I am writing about it because I don't think there is enough said about things like this. Hell, I am writing this whole damn blog as kind of a cautionary tale. Yes, it is cathartic for me to write about it, but I do genuinely hope that it helps at least one person who has gone through/is going through/could go through the same thing. You're not alone. You're not crazy.***
So, in November of 2013, I jumped off Lexapro completely in about 1 week. I cannot stress this enough: NEVER DO WHAT I DID. You are supposed to wean off those types of drugs very slowly. I thought I would be strong enough to get through the withdrawals and just wanted to be done with it, so I jumped off way too fast. As a result, I went through the worst extremes you could possibly imagine. Desperate, despondent misery, suicidal tendencies, rage, misery again, having the constitution of a newborn kitten: I was a mess. I can't even remember the specifics that well because I have blocked most of them out. At one point, my husband wanted to tie our legs together so that he would be able to feel if I woke up, potentially with the urge to do something insane. When I say suicidal tendencies, I mean I had to sprint from the kitchen so that I couldn't be near anything sharp. At one point, I did take a knife to myself. It's a very, very strange thing. The desire, the craving to cut myself was like the craving you get when you want to eat a whole bowl of cookie dough, except much more dangerous and, of course, insane. I cut the top of my arm multiple times with a steak knife. I cannot stress enough that I am not proud of this. The insane, intense urges completely take over your body. You're lucky if you can feel "you" in there at all. "You" are not in charge anymore. When you take away a drug like Lexapro that quickly, your serotonin level falls through the floor. For all intents and purposes you become, chemically, a depressed crazy person. So, if you or anyone you know is thinking of coming off their anti-anxiety/anti-depressant please, for the love of God, tell them to wean off it very, very slowly. From what I have been told, 60% of people will have no side effects at all. 40% of people will experience some degree of what I went through. There is no way of knowing which category you will fall into so, I beg of you, please be careful. To be honest, if it weren't for my husband, I don't know if I would still be here.
Ultimately I did come back to planet earth. The chemicals in my body finally evened out, and I felt like myself again. It took about 3 months for my emotions to recalibrate themselves, and about another 2 months for the physical side effects to subside. No, I'm not exaggerating.
So, a few months pass and, finally, I had most of my energy back. My biggest fear was, of course, that my anxiety would come back now that I didn't have any pills in my system to even me out. For a very long time, I felt perfectly fine. I was actually getting a chance to enjoy my life: my family, my amazing husband, our dogs, our house, our work, even the cats! Every once in a great while, my anxiety/rage (my demon, as I call it) would rear it's obnoxious, evil little head. In those moments, I would lose myself and the demon would take over. It wasn't until the given situation went too far (I said something I regretted or finally broke down into tears) that it would pass and I could, once again, get me back. The situations were much more rare than they had been years ago, but still happened nevertheless. The fact that they were happening at all was unacceptable to me, but I refused to take a pill. Not after what I had already gone through, and put those around me through.
Through sheer serendipity, I actually found the cause. After years and years of thinking that this is who I was, thinking I was crazy, hating myself for allowing anger to consume me at times for no apparent reason, losing control of myself, it turned out that is wasn't me at all. I met up with a friend who I hadn't seen since high school. At one point during the hours we spent catching up, she mentioned that she had needed to come off birth control pills because they made her a crazy rage monster. I had been on birth control pills since I was 16 and had never given a second thought to the possibility that all this insane rage I had experienced on and off all those subsequent (16) years was anything other than me, the stereotypical "crazy chick." I had driven myself absolutely nuts, many a time thinking I was a horrible, awful person. I had put myself on these awful, mind-altering pills for years (Lexapro, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Abilify, etc) that almost killed me when I came off of them. All of this because I was absolutely convinced there was something inherently wrong with me. All those years, and not until I was 32 did I reconnect with a girl who had experienced the exact same thing, but she realized it was a result of the birth control.
I have never taken another birth control pill and my anxiety/rage, the evil "demon" that took over and made me feel like I was just a huge pile of worthless, wicked crap: gone. Insane. 16 years of thinking there was something wrong with me, all because of a little birth control pill. Who knew?
So, this blog entry is a giant mess, isn't it? Well, I'm not much of a writer. There is more that I want to share, but I think this entry has gone on quite long enough, so I will save it for next time.
I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that at least one person out there gets something out of this, whatever it may be. Then this whole mess of crap won't have happened for nothing :)
Friday, July 26, 2013
Downward Spiral?
So much for things being better. I have slipped back into the sludge that is depression. I can't get excited about anything, I feel absolutely miserable: it's awful. Lexapro can take anywhere from 2 to 3 months to start working properly. I have been on it for less than a month and am desperately hoping that this is merely evidence that it is not yet working and not a sign of things to come. It's awful: I just don't know how else to put it.
About a week ago I had a blood test to check my thyroid to see if it may be partially responsible for my complete lack of energy. As it turns out, my thyroid is not currently doing a great job at producing one of two hormones, so it is partially (wholly?) to blame for my constant exhaustion. I am now taking thyroid medication once a day, which should take about 4-6 weeks to kick in. Thus far: no joy. I still can't really drive myself anywhere. About a week ago I just tried driving to the pharmacy and I fell asleep behind the wheel at an intersection, which was terrifying. Unless poor Craig is up for driving me (and he has been extremely busy with work) I'm basically house bound at the moment. For a normal person that would mean the place is sparkling and beautiful, but for a depressed person it means no such thing. It takes a _massive_ effort to do anything: shower, put on makeup, do dishes, do laundry, etc.
I'm so sad it hurts. I want my life back so badly. I really, really hope that the Lexapro is the right thing to be on, and that in 2 or 3 months I'm not just going to be in the same place and have to start the whole thing over with another medication.
About a week ago I had a blood test to check my thyroid to see if it may be partially responsible for my complete lack of energy. As it turns out, my thyroid is not currently doing a great job at producing one of two hormones, so it is partially (wholly?) to blame for my constant exhaustion. I am now taking thyroid medication once a day, which should take about 4-6 weeks to kick in. Thus far: no joy. I still can't really drive myself anywhere. About a week ago I just tried driving to the pharmacy and I fell asleep behind the wheel at an intersection, which was terrifying. Unless poor Craig is up for driving me (and he has been extremely busy with work) I'm basically house bound at the moment. For a normal person that would mean the place is sparkling and beautiful, but for a depressed person it means no such thing. It takes a _massive_ effort to do anything: shower, put on makeup, do dishes, do laundry, etc.
I'm so sad it hurts. I want my life back so badly. I really, really hope that the Lexapro is the right thing to be on, and that in 2 or 3 months I'm not just going to be in the same place and have to start the whole thing over with another medication.
Monday, July 8, 2013
So much better
I am finally out of the depressed woods. I am so grateful there are not enough words to express it. I was so worried I was never going to get myself back. I awakened two days ago feeling so good that I was dancing with our dogs! It was fantastic! The only problem I am still having in terms of withdrawals is being insanely tired. One moment I'm jumping for joy and the next I can barely keep my eyes open. It's nuts. I still sleep most hours of the day, but at least I'm happy the hours that I am awake.
Towards the end of the day I am filled with "over-tired" energy, if that makes sense. I flop around like a frustrated fish. Magnesium citrate (the pills, not the liquid) really help with that.
My eyes are literally closing as I am writing this. I am at one my bosses' offices and could curl up on the floor and sleep for five hours. I cannot wait for this to pass.
Again, most importantly, I'm soooooo happy! Phew and hooray!
Now just to stay awake, darn it! :)
Monday, July 1, 2013
Coming off the Abilify...
Okay, back to why I started the blog.
So far, coming off of the Abilify has been a whirlwind. Don't forget that I am combining it with the introduction of the Lexapro. The first couple of days I felt almost normal, but now that I am down from 10mg to 2.5mg I am starting to get really depressed, with light undertones of the fear from before. In short: it sucks. I'm sleeping about 70% of the day, have no energy the hours that I am awake, no desire to do anything, it's horrible. I'm hoping it doesn't last very long. Withdrawals can only last so long after all...
All I can say is thank goodness for the Lexapro. I'm scared to think what this would be like if I was going through the withdrawals all on their own.
I'm scared in general. I have to keep reminding myself minute to minute that this isn't me, that this isn't my life, but that hopefully very soon I will get me and my life back, and that my husband will get me back too...
So far, coming off of the Abilify has been a whirlwind. Don't forget that I am combining it with the introduction of the Lexapro. The first couple of days I felt almost normal, but now that I am down from 10mg to 2.5mg I am starting to get really depressed, with light undertones of the fear from before. In short: it sucks. I'm sleeping about 70% of the day, have no energy the hours that I am awake, no desire to do anything, it's horrible. I'm hoping it doesn't last very long. Withdrawals can only last so long after all...
All I can say is thank goodness for the Lexapro. I'm scared to think what this would be like if I was going through the withdrawals all on their own.
I'm scared in general. I have to keep reminding myself minute to minute that this isn't me, that this isn't my life, but that hopefully very soon I will get me and my life back, and that my husband will get me back too...
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