Life without medication

I had, for all intents and purposes, pretty much abandoned this blog. The reason I am back is because of the sheer number of people who contacted me when I first started writing in here, thanking me for being so open and honest about my experiences. If anyone gets anything good out of this crap, then it's worth sharing :) .

I may regret this post, but I think I should leave it up as a cautionary tale, if nothing else...

Ahem...

It's been months since I posted something which, honestly, is a sign that things were going really well...but here I am about to post something new...uh oh.

I had to look back at my last post from almost a year ago to make an attempt the fill in the gap by seeing where I left off. The last time I wrote I was back on Lexapro. It did ultimately, successfully, even out my mood, and I did get back to some semblance of feeling like a "normal" person. Dangerous word, normal. Unfortunately, the insufferable chronic pain from fibromyalgia compounded with the exhaustion from being on Lexapro was making my life barely a life at all. I had no energy and was in almost constant pain. My life revolved around the small relief I would get from taking very strong painkillers, which gave me enough relief that I could function, but also made me kinda stupid and, ultimately, even more tired. I was under the impression that most of the exhaustion was due to the fibromyalgia and was therefore something from which I could not escape. After months of this, my doctor suggested I go do a sleep study. The study revealed that I was only getting 22 minutes of REM sleep each night. The doctor was convinced that this was not a result of the fibro, but a result of the Lexapro. Also (vanity), after 4 years of being on Lexapro or something in the psychedelic drug family, I had gained 32 pounds. 32!! Enough! I decided I was ditching the Lexapro, ridding myself of psychedelic drugs altogether, and that I would battle my anger demon on my own. Besides, maybe I was old enough that I would have grown out of it by that point.

***I am not proud of anything that happened in the following paragraph. I am writing about it because I don't think there is enough said about things like this. Hell, I am writing this whole damn blog as kind of a cautionary tale. Yes, it is cathartic for me to write about it, but I do genuinely hope that it helps at least one person who has gone through/is going through/could go through the same thing. You're not alone. You're not crazy.***

So, in November of 2013, I jumped off Lexapro completely in about 1 week. I cannot stress this enough: NEVER DO WHAT I DID. You are supposed to wean off those types of drugs very slowly. I thought I would be strong enough to get through the withdrawals and just wanted to be done with it, so I jumped off way too fast. As a result, I went through the worst extremes you could possibly imagine. Desperate, despondent misery, suicidal tendencies, rage, misery again, having the constitution of a newborn kitten: I was a mess. I can't even remember the specifics that well because I have blocked most of them out. At one point, my husband wanted to tie our legs together so that he would be able to feel if I woke up, potentially with the urge to do something insane. When I say suicidal tendencies, I mean I had to sprint from the kitchen so that I couldn't be near anything sharp. At one point, I did take a knife to myself. It's a very, very strange thing. The desire, the craving to cut myself was like the craving you get when you want to eat a whole bowl of cookie dough, except much more dangerous and, of course, insane. I cut the top of my arm multiple times with a steak knife. I cannot stress enough that I am not proud of this. The insane, intense urges completely take over your body. You're lucky if you can feel "you" in there at all. "You" are not in charge anymore. When you take away a drug like Lexapro that quickly, your serotonin level falls through the floor. For all intents and purposes you become, chemically, a depressed crazy person. So, if you or anyone you know is thinking of coming off their anti-anxiety/anti-depressant please, for the love of God, tell them to wean off it very, very slowly. From what I have been told, 60% of people will have no side effects at all. 40% of people will experience some degree of what I went through. There is no way of knowing which category you will fall into so, I beg of you, please be careful. To be honest, if it weren't for my husband, I don't know if I would still be here.

Ultimately I did come back to planet earth. The chemicals in my body finally evened out, and I felt like myself again. It took about 3 months for my emotions to recalibrate themselves, and about another 2 months for the physical side effects to subside. No, I'm not exaggerating.

So, a few months pass and, finally, I had most of my energy back. My biggest fear was, of course, that my anxiety would come back now that I didn't have any pills in my system to even me out. For a very long time, I felt perfectly fine. I was actually getting a chance to enjoy my life: my family, my amazing husband, our dogs, our house, our work, even the cats! Every once in a great while, my anxiety/rage (my demon, as I call it) would rear it's obnoxious, evil little head. In those moments, I would lose myself and the demon would take over. It wasn't until the given situation went too far (I said something I regretted or finally broke down into tears) that it would pass and I could, once again, get me back. The situations were much more rare than they had been years ago, but still happened nevertheless. The fact that they were happening at all was unacceptable to me, but I refused to take a pill. Not after what I had already gone through, and put those around me through.

Through sheer serendipity, I actually found the cause. After years and years of thinking that this is who I was, thinking I was crazy, hating myself for allowing anger to consume me at times for no apparent reason, losing control of myself, it turned out that is wasn't me at all. I met up with a friend who I hadn't seen since high school. At one point during the hours we spent catching up, she mentioned that she had needed to come off birth control pills because they made her a crazy rage monster. I had been on birth control pills since I was 16 and had never given a second thought to the possibility that all this insane rage I had experienced on and off all those subsequent (16) years was anything other than me, the stereotypical "crazy chick." I had driven myself absolutely nuts, many a time thinking I was a horrible, awful person. I had put myself on these awful, mind-altering pills for years (Lexapro, Cymbalta, Wellbutrin, Abilify, etc) that almost killed me when I came off of them. All of this because I was absolutely convinced there was something inherently wrong with me. All those years, and not until I was 32 did I reconnect with a girl who had experienced the exact same thing, but she realized it was a result of the birth control.

I have never taken another birth control pill and my anxiety/rage, the evil "demon" that took over and made me feel like I was just a huge pile of worthless, wicked crap: gone. Insane. 16 years of thinking there was something wrong with me, all because of a little birth control pill. Who knew?

So, this blog entry is a giant mess, isn't it? Well, I'm not much of a writer. There is more that I want to share, but I think this entry has gone on quite long enough, so I will save it for next time.

I hope, from the bottom of my heart, that at least one person out there gets something out of this, whatever it may be. Then this whole mess of crap won't have happened for nothing :)

What a whiny brat!!

I just read my last post. Geez!! Sorry.

Downward Spiral?

So much for things being better. I have slipped back into the sludge that is depression. I can't get excited about anything, I feel absolutely miserable: it's awful. Lexapro can take anywhere from 2 to 3 months to start working properly. I have been on it for less than a month and am desperately hoping that this is merely evidence that it is not yet working and not a sign of things to come. It's awful: I just don't know how else to put it.

About a week ago I had a blood test to check my thyroid to see if it may be partially responsible for my complete lack of energy. As it turns out, my thyroid is not currently doing a great job at producing one of two hormones, so it is partially (wholly?) to blame for my constant exhaustion. I am now taking thyroid medication once a day, which should take about 4-6 weeks to kick in. Thus far: no joy. I still can't really drive myself anywhere. About a week ago I just tried driving to the pharmacy and I fell asleep behind the wheel at an intersection, which was terrifying. Unless poor Craig is up for driving me (and he has been extremely busy with work) I'm basically house bound at the moment. For a normal person that would mean the place is sparkling and beautiful, but for a depressed person it means no such thing. It takes a _massive_ effort to do anything: shower, put on makeup, do dishes, do laundry, etc.

I'm so sad it hurts. I want my life back so badly. I really, really hope that the Lexapro is the right thing to be on, and that in 2 or 3 months I'm not just going to be in the same place and have to start the whole thing over with another medication.

So much better

I am finally out of the depressed woods. I am so grateful there are not enough words to express it. I was so worried I was never going to get myself back. I awakened two days ago feeling so good that I was dancing with our dogs! It was fantastic! The only problem I am still having in terms of withdrawals is being insanely tired. One moment I'm jumping for joy and the next I can barely keep my eyes open. It's nuts. I still sleep most hours of the day, but at least I'm happy the hours that I am awake.

Towards the end of the day I am filled with "over-tired" energy, if that makes sense. I flop around like a frustrated fish. Magnesium citrate (the pills, not the liquid) really help with that.

My eyes are literally closing as I am writing this. I am at one my bosses' offices and could curl up on the floor and sleep for five hours. I cannot wait for this to pass.

Again, most importantly, I'm soooooo happy!  Phew and hooray!

Now just to stay awake, darn it! :)

Coming off the Abilify...

Okay, back to why I started the blog.

So far, coming off of the Abilify has been a whirlwind. Don't forget that I am combining it with the introduction of the Lexapro. The first couple of days I felt almost normal, but now that I am down from 10mg to 2.5mg I am starting to get really depressed, with light undertones of the fear from before. In short: it sucks. I'm sleeping about 70% of the day, have no energy the hours that I am awake, no desire to do anything, it's horrible. I'm hoping it doesn't last very long. Withdrawals can only last so long after all...

All I can say is thank goodness for the Lexapro. I'm scared to think what this would be like if I was going through the withdrawals all on their own.

I'm scared in general. I have to keep reminding myself minute to minute that this isn't me, that this isn't my life, but that hopefully very soon I will get me and my life back, and that my husband will get me back too...

The Best Parents

I can't very well write about my husband without writing about the other best part of my life: my parents. In a society where it seems to be so trendy to have a dysfunctional family, I count my lucky stars every day that not only do I have amazing parents, but that I am also lucky enough to call them my best friends. I am turning 32 this year, and thus far have been hard-pressed to find anyone who is as close to their parents as I am. That sounds like I'm trying to make this a competition, which is not the case, I'm merely trying to highlight how precious my relationship with my parents is. I love them with all my heart. They raised me so well that to this day I feel that I can speak to them about anything, something which is so important to me.

I love you guys.

My Amazing Husband

Enough about me.

Every day, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because of my amazing husband. I married my best friend. It's amazing enough that I have such a phenomenal man as a best friend, but the fact that I get to be married to him on top of that is just fantastic. He is the yin to my crazy. He is so balanced and down-to-earth: I'm in awe of him every single day. He has read all the books you are supposed to read: "How to Win Friends and Influence People" "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" etc, which is great, because I haven't read any of them and he is my cliff notes. He really understands the fundamental differences between men and women, and our relationship is wonderful partially as a result of that. Our communication is great. We hardly ever fight, which I think is largely due to how open and honest we are with each other. That and he doesn't get bothered easily: an ability I am trying to adopt as quickly as possible.

The only thing that sometimes bothers me, which is ridiculous, is the fact that there are times when I wish he would get mad, but won't. He is understanding, sometimes to a fault, and sometimes even when someone has wronged him and I'm about ready to (verbally) rip their head off, he somehow does this crazy thing called not getting upset. You know that saying, "Staying mad at someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"...or something like that? Well, he is actually able to live by that. It is the healthier way to be, I just haven't quite been able to get there as quickly as he does yet. For example, there is a person who was in our lives who turned out to be completely duplicitous. Came across as butter wouldn't melt in their mouth, turned out to be a sneaky little evil rat. I am completely incapable of being nice to this person. My husband doesn't like this person either but, if needed, he is capable of being pleasant to them, whereas I can barely make eye contact. So, I guess this isn't something that bothers me so much as it is something that makes me jealous. If someone is a jerk, I need to just let it go faster, instead of thinking about it. My husband is so, so good at letting things go that don't matter. I hope to one day soon catch up with him.

What else can I say?...

Along the same lines, he is wonderful about weighing everything out from each side. He's never too quick to snap one way or the other: he always looks at everything from everybody's point of view.

He's extremely down-to-earth, and incredibly funny. He loves being goofy, and I love him for it. It's wonderful to have a partner who doesn't take life too seriously: it's serious enough, it doesn't need help. He's always there for me no matter what, no matter what it is: whether I need him or I need space.

He loves doing things around the house, which is both a curse and a blessing ;). I love that he wants everything to be perfect, but I wish he would just relax and enjoy it sometimes. I feel like we could move into a brand new house where everything is perfect, and he would find something to fix. It's actually really adorable. We were just staying at his Dad's house not too long ago, and he kept finding little things that could be fixed or upgraded: things his Dad didn't even say he wanted done, though he appreciated it once it was done. His Dad found it charming that my husband wanted to do all of these things to make the house better, as did I. There are days when I can feel myself fall in love with him all over again.

I know at this point you probably all need sick bags, but after writing all the crap about my chemical imbalances, it was high-time to write something positive.

I could honestly go on about my husband all day. Did I mention how incredibly handsome he is?? That part is just icing on the cake :).

He _loves_ his family, which is so important. That's one of the things that drew me to him in the first place. He treats them all with so much love and respect, which just makes me love him even more.

I'm sure I will want to write more things, but I will leave it here for now. We have been married for almost 2 months, and I look forward to still be writing about how wonderful things are for years to come.