What a whiny brat!!

I just read my last post. Geez!! Sorry.

Downward Spiral?

So much for things being better. I have slipped back into the sludge that is depression. I can't get excited about anything, I feel absolutely miserable: it's awful. Lexapro can take anywhere from 2 to 3 months to start working properly. I have been on it for less than a month and am desperately hoping that this is merely evidence that it is not yet working and not a sign of things to come. It's awful: I just don't know how else to put it.

About a week ago I had a blood test to check my thyroid to see if it may be partially responsible for my complete lack of energy. As it turns out, my thyroid is not currently doing a great job at producing one of two hormones, so it is partially (wholly?) to blame for my constant exhaustion. I am now taking thyroid medication once a day, which should take about 4-6 weeks to kick in. Thus far: no joy. I still can't really drive myself anywhere. About a week ago I just tried driving to the pharmacy and I fell asleep behind the wheel at an intersection, which was terrifying. Unless poor Craig is up for driving me (and he has been extremely busy with work) I'm basically house bound at the moment. For a normal person that would mean the place is sparkling and beautiful, but for a depressed person it means no such thing. It takes a _massive_ effort to do anything: shower, put on makeup, do dishes, do laundry, etc.

I'm so sad it hurts. I want my life back so badly. I really, really hope that the Lexapro is the right thing to be on, and that in 2 or 3 months I'm not just going to be in the same place and have to start the whole thing over with another medication.

So much better

I am finally out of the depressed woods. I am so grateful there are not enough words to express it. I was so worried I was never going to get myself back. I awakened two days ago feeling so good that I was dancing with our dogs! It was fantastic! The only problem I am still having in terms of withdrawals is being insanely tired. One moment I'm jumping for joy and the next I can barely keep my eyes open. It's nuts. I still sleep most hours of the day, but at least I'm happy the hours that I am awake.

Towards the end of the day I am filled with "over-tired" energy, if that makes sense. I flop around like a frustrated fish. Magnesium citrate (the pills, not the liquid) really help with that.

My eyes are literally closing as I am writing this. I am at one my bosses' offices and could curl up on the floor and sleep for five hours. I cannot wait for this to pass.

Again, most importantly, I'm soooooo happy!  Phew and hooray!

Now just to stay awake, darn it! :)

Coming off the Abilify...

Okay, back to why I started the blog.

So far, coming off of the Abilify has been a whirlwind. Don't forget that I am combining it with the introduction of the Lexapro. The first couple of days I felt almost normal, but now that I am down from 10mg to 2.5mg I am starting to get really depressed, with light undertones of the fear from before. In short: it sucks. I'm sleeping about 70% of the day, have no energy the hours that I am awake, no desire to do anything, it's horrible. I'm hoping it doesn't last very long. Withdrawals can only last so long after all...

All I can say is thank goodness for the Lexapro. I'm scared to think what this would be like if I was going through the withdrawals all on their own.

I'm scared in general. I have to keep reminding myself minute to minute that this isn't me, that this isn't my life, but that hopefully very soon I will get me and my life back, and that my husband will get me back too...

The Best Parents

I can't very well write about my husband without writing about the other best part of my life: my parents. In a society where it seems to be so trendy to have a dysfunctional family, I count my lucky stars every day that not only do I have amazing parents, but that I am also lucky enough to call them my best friends. I am turning 32 this year, and thus far have been hard-pressed to find anyone who is as close to their parents as I am. That sounds like I'm trying to make this a competition, which is not the case, I'm merely trying to highlight how precious my relationship with my parents is. I love them with all my heart. They raised me so well that to this day I feel that I can speak to them about anything, something which is so important to me.

I love you guys.

My Amazing Husband

Enough about me.

Every day, I feel like the luckiest girl in the world because of my amazing husband. I married my best friend. It's amazing enough that I have such a phenomenal man as a best friend, but the fact that I get to be married to him on top of that is just fantastic. He is the yin to my crazy. He is so balanced and down-to-earth: I'm in awe of him every single day. He has read all the books you are supposed to read: "How to Win Friends and Influence People" "Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus" etc, which is great, because I haven't read any of them and he is my cliff notes. He really understands the fundamental differences between men and women, and our relationship is wonderful partially as a result of that. Our communication is great. We hardly ever fight, which I think is largely due to how open and honest we are with each other. That and he doesn't get bothered easily: an ability I am trying to adopt as quickly as possible.

The only thing that sometimes bothers me, which is ridiculous, is the fact that there are times when I wish he would get mad, but won't. He is understanding, sometimes to a fault, and sometimes even when someone has wronged him and I'm about ready to (verbally) rip their head off, he somehow does this crazy thing called not getting upset. You know that saying, "Staying mad at someone is like drinking poison and waiting for the other person to die"...or something like that? Well, he is actually able to live by that. It is the healthier way to be, I just haven't quite been able to get there as quickly as he does yet. For example, there is a person who was in our lives who turned out to be completely duplicitous. Came across as butter wouldn't melt in their mouth, turned out to be a sneaky little evil rat. I am completely incapable of being nice to this person. My husband doesn't like this person either but, if needed, he is capable of being pleasant to them, whereas I can barely make eye contact. So, I guess this isn't something that bothers me so much as it is something that makes me jealous. If someone is a jerk, I need to just let it go faster, instead of thinking about it. My husband is so, so good at letting things go that don't matter. I hope to one day soon catch up with him.

What else can I say?...

Along the same lines, he is wonderful about weighing everything out from each side. He's never too quick to snap one way or the other: he always looks at everything from everybody's point of view.

He's extremely down-to-earth, and incredibly funny. He loves being goofy, and I love him for it. It's wonderful to have a partner who doesn't take life too seriously: it's serious enough, it doesn't need help. He's always there for me no matter what, no matter what it is: whether I need him or I need space.

He loves doing things around the house, which is both a curse and a blessing ;). I love that he wants everything to be perfect, but I wish he would just relax and enjoy it sometimes. I feel like we could move into a brand new house where everything is perfect, and he would find something to fix. It's actually really adorable. We were just staying at his Dad's house not too long ago, and he kept finding little things that could be fixed or upgraded: things his Dad didn't even say he wanted done, though he appreciated it once it was done. His Dad found it charming that my husband wanted to do all of these things to make the house better, as did I. There are days when I can feel myself fall in love with him all over again.

I know at this point you probably all need sick bags, but after writing all the crap about my chemical imbalances, it was high-time to write something positive.

I could honestly go on about my husband all day. Did I mention how incredibly handsome he is?? That part is just icing on the cake :).

He _loves_ his family, which is so important. That's one of the things that drew me to him in the first place. He treats them all with so much love and respect, which just makes me love him even more.

I'm sure I will want to write more things, but I will leave it here for now. We have been married for almost 2 months, and I look forward to still be writing about how wonderful things are for years to come.

New things...

So...

Long story short, I went to my doctor who is weaning me off of Abilify (yay!) and is starting me back on Lexapro. I know that I need something for my anxiety, and Lexapro did used to work. However, he has me on 10mg and I think I need to be on 20mg. I'm stuck in a weird state of limbo right now where I'm not the filling in an insanity cake, but I'm also not completely out of the woods. I feel slightly depressed. I should probably wait until I'm completely off the Abilify. I don't think I can make any sound decisions about how effective the Lexapro is until I'm off the other thing. I'll be off it in about 2 weeks, so I will check back in then.

My doctor also put me on a bunch of liquid B vitamins. I asked if I could just take pills, but he says they don't work (I want all the money back I've even spent on them!!) They taste awful but they're supposed to be really good for me, so I'm giving them a shot. Again, it's not only hard to tell how I'm really feeling due to the fact that I'm still weaning off of one drug, but it's also over 100 degrees, so lethargic is my key descriptor at the moment.

I have a lot of other things I want to post about, but seeing as this isn't really anonymous....I can't. Who knows, maybe one day I'll cave and just spill it all :).

Psychotropic Drugs: Part 2

So, I left off at developing a tolerance to Lexapro. What I probably should have done was increase my dose, but instead I went to my doctor and told him I wanted to switch to Cymbalta. I also have fibromyalgia and had read that Cymbalta could be good for chronic pain, in addition to being good for anxiety. So, I switched. It took at least 2-3 months for me to realize that the Cymbalta had made me extremely depressed. I didn't want to get out of bed, was sleeping far too many hours in addition to napping during the day, couldn't get excited about anything, it was terrible. Again, I felt like I was trapped behind double-paned glass and that my life and the world was on the other side and, no matter how much I wanted it, I couldn't get to the other side. I was relieved to discover that this was a result of the Cymbalta. Apparently, I fell into the small percentage of people for whom Cymbalta was a bad idea.

The next part is where I made my mistake. I don't blame my doctor. When I went to see him with my solution, I was very convincing. Instead of wanting to try another medicine for anxiety, I began researching treatment for the depression. I later (much later) realized this was a mistake. I was treating a bad side effect from the Cymbalta, which would go away after I got off it. Why did I want to treat a side effect that would go away instead of my anxiety (which was being squashed by the depression). I wasn't thinking clearly. I was enticed by the fact that my doctor told me that the Wellbutrin would allow my sex drive to return (the Lexapro and Cymbalta had stolen it) and allow me to lose the weight I had gained as a result of the same offenders.

Well, the Wellbutrin worked like gangbusters. My depression vanished, I got my sex drive back, started dropping weight and was happy. The only problem: it made me have -terrible- anger outbursts. It was awful. However, the positive effects were so good that I wanted to find a way to make it work, so I spoke to my doctor, who prescribed Abilify to counter the anger. The two together were magic. I was the happiest and most peaceful I had ever been in my life. It was even better than when I was on Lexapro. Unfortunately, the Abilify was making my (already bad) pain so much worse. My hands hurt so much in the morning and at night that my husband had to open bottles and cans for me. My feet hurt so much that it was hard to walk. It was awful. I went to my doctor to talk about switching the Abilify for something else. He suggested cutting my dose down instead (from 10mg to 5mg) to see if that would do the trick. Then that insanity began...

I was only on the smaller dose for 4 days before I couldn't take it anymore. I was terrified of absolutely everything. Things that nobody in their right mind would spend their time thinking about, I was obsessing about. I was crying all the time, didn't want to get out of bed, it was the worst few days I had in as long as I could remember. Without consulting my doctor (IDIOT) I took myself back up to my original dose of 10mg, thinking I would be just fine. Well, it's been over a month and I'm still going through the same thing. I went to a psychiatrist for the first time ever one week into the hell. I will never see him again, and neither should anyone else. I'm not going to mention his name because I don't want to be sued. I'll call him Dr. K. After supposedly listening to me, he prescribed Gabapentin for anxiety and said that would handle all my problems. I then left town for a 22-day work road trip. 3 days in with no difference I called Dr. K and said that my terror and panic was worse than ever. He said that it was my problem and needed to be medicated. Supposedly that was what the Gabapentin was for, but apparently he hadn't been listening. He said the Gabapentin wouldn't help with the fear and panic attacks I was having, but that when I got back in town he would have to prescribe a 4th medicaiton. I repeated over and over that this had NEVER been a problem before the Abilify change, to which he responded, "No, no, this is a problem with you and I can prescribe more medication for it." So, 1) He put me on medication that WASN'T for the problem I was having and, 2) He completely ignored the fact that all this fear and panic was a result of reducing then re-upping the Abilify dose and claimed that it was definitely my issue and wanted to give me yet another medication for it. Yeah, he's great.

After a LOT of online research I discovered that fear and panic were a result of coming off of, then re-upping my Abilify dose. I read account after account of people who, when coming off Abilify, experienced the worst fear and panic they ever had in their life, and they didn't know how they got through it. I spoke many times with my regular doctor, Dr. Miller, the only one I trust, who said he didn't want to wean me off the Abilify until I was back in town, but that I could start coming off the Wellbutrin. I am almost completely off it now, and still feel awful. The fear and panic isn't quite as bad, but it is still definitely there. Ativan helps when I get the most serious bouts of fear and panic, but it's still there in the background. I am also starting to feel really depressed, and cry frequently, which I can only attribute to still having Abilify in my system and being off the Wellbutrin. Thankfully I am FINALLY back in town and am seeing my doctor, Dr. Miller tomorrow. He is going to help me wean off the Abilify. I am also coming off the Gabapentin, which I didn't need in the first place- thanks a lot Dr. K: were you even listening when I spoke to you?? "Oh Gabapentin isn't for that." Then why did you prescribe it?! Ugh, I'm still mad at him. Anyway, I cannot wait to speak to my doctor, Dr. Miller.

I am terrified of the Abilify withdrawals, but will just have to suck it up and get through it. I plan to be in bed, watching Charmed the whole time. I am absolutely exhausted, emotionally and physically, after a month of being scared of everything and having panic attacks, but the withdrawals will be worth it if it means getting past this. I'm most scared that the fear won't go away: that I'll be stuck with it. I pray with ever fiber of my being that this will not be the case. Once the chemicals are out, I'm hoping that the fear will go with them. I will post again once I see my doctor tomorrow.

Psychotropic Drugs: Part 1

Okay, it's time to write about psychotropic drugs. Good times.

About 4 years ago, I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder. It was a relief. I'm more tightly wound than a spring in a jack in the box and always stressed about everything. Anything that had the power to induce stress did it to me ten-fold. In addition to that, I would have these episodes. I would become extremely angry and there was nothing that could change it. It was like I was locked in a perspex box filled with anger and tension where I would boil like a pot of water. If someone breathed on me they risked experiencing my wrath for absolutely no reason. I would fight with people, knowing I was in the wrong. Unfortunately, knowing it was not enough. I would say terrible things I didn't mean and the real me, buried beneath this insanity, would scream at the crazy me to stop, but with no luck. I knew it wasn't real, and that I was completely in the wrong, but it didn't matter. It wasn't until I pushed it so far that I finally burst into tears and apologized that I could get the real me back. During these episodes it was like I was trapped on the other side of double-paned glass while the rest of the world was on the other side and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get back to the other side. Not until some sort of fight, like I mentioned before, or the hex magically broke on its own could I snap out of it. Needless to say, it cost me friends: as it should have! Who wants to be friends with Dr. Jeckyl and Mrs. Psycho Bitch?

It was when it started to jeopardize my relationship with my boyfriend (now my husband) that I decided there had to be something wrong with me (beyond your average girly crap) and I had to fix it. I loved that man, I knew he was the one, and the possibility of endangering what we had was the wake up call I needed to seek help. I went on Google and typed in all my symptoms. It turned out I was a perfect fit for GAD (general anxiety disorder). I had spent my entire life frowning on the use of psychiatric drugs. I always thought everything could be handled with mind over matter. It never occurred to me that there could actually be such a thing as a chemical malfunction that needed help. After much research I realized that it was no different than getting glasses to help with a vision problem.

After a visit to my doctor (Dr. David Miller in Agoura Hills: he's my hero) I started taking Lexapro. It was the best thing I had ever done. I felt like a normal person for the first time in my life. All the stress, crazy episodes, the million things running a marathon through my head with no break, it was gone. Well, not gone completely but, like I said, I felt normal. My reactions to things were appropriate, I only worried about things that warranted concern and, most importantly, I didn't have episodes of solid anger where everything made me furious and I couldn't snap out of it.

So, for about two and a half years, I was a happy, normal person. Then I developed a tolerance for Lexapro and started down a very bad spiral, which I will cover in the second part of this blog...

Marriage

Hey guys,

Soooooo, what has happened since we last spoke? I married the love of my life!

It was the best decision I have ever made. He is the most amazing man I could ever have wished for, and more. In college I made a documentary about how the portrayal of love in the movies has warped everyday people's ideals, giving them unrealistic expectations, possibly causing what could be a perfectly good relationship to be unsuccessful because the people in it are pitting it against unrealistic expectations. I apologize if I'm rambling: I've very sleepy. My point is that all the fears I had resulting from getting high expectations from the movies/music, etc were thwarted when I met Craig. He is everything I had ever been looking for. I love him with ever fiber of my being, and he made me the happiest, luckiest girl in the world when he asked me to marry him.

I cannot recommend this enough: marry your best friend. It's a no-brainer. :)

I feel that I should write more about something so important, but I'm too sleepy to write anything else of import at the moment.

Woohoo: first post!

All my posts on this blog will appear at the perfect time...for people on the east coast. Even more perfect for all my old friends from England!

At some point during the tedious process of picking the perfect font for my blog's name, "insomnia" started looking like it wasn't a real word. Do you ever experience that problem? You're either punch drunk, or have just written the word so many times that it doesn't look like it's in english anymore.

Fascinating so far, right?

What do you use to try to sleep? I use liquid melatonin (2 drops under the tongue) and ZzzQuil (which is really just Benadryl). I used to take half a Benadryl to sleep and would be out like a light in 15 minutes. Now it takes the 50ml of diphenhydramine to knock me out. In all fairness, I probably could sleep right now if I wanted to, but I'm so excited these days (because my life seems to be getting to the perfect place at which I have aspired to be for so long, not even knowing what that meant until it happened) that I stay up in an effort to spend more time reflecting. Sure, I have to wake up later to compensate (now that I'm 31 I really shouldn't be burning the proverbial candle at both ends) but I much prefer the kind of mellow, introspective energy I have in the wee small hours of the morning rather that how I feel in the (real) morning.

I'm so tired right now that I keep thinking I can see inanimate objects magically moving in my peripheral vision. The only time it's actual movement is when our 5lb terrier mix, Honey, crawls to the edge of the bed to look down at me stretched out on the floor with an expression on her face that could only mean she thinks I'm insane. She's not wrong- but I'm now thankfully on medication that handles it. Hey, if I'm not going to mention personal things then what is the point of this blog? Well, this type of blog. I am not sure if anyone will ever come on to read the late night (boring?) ramblings of a sleepy girl, but you never know. Even if nobody reads this, the process of having a one-way conversation with my laptop is oddly cathartic.

I want to write more, but this is one of the few nights when I really should listen to the part of my body begging me to sleep as my fiancé and I are doing our engagement shoot tomorrow! I'm so excited!! In this particular case I guess I'm still awake because I'm as excited as a puppy whose owner just snuck them bacon, but I'm not going to look too swift if I have suitcases under my eyes ("bags" doesn't do them justice).

I just heard a line on the show "Shameless" (which I _love_ and am watching with cordless headphones so as not to wake my fiancé) talking about a dying nun who is addicted to playing Angry Birds. Seriously-- how rich are those guys?! I wonder if there's room for a Happy Penguins. Sounds like it could be fun, right? However, i can't figure out how to keep a plant alive, let alone develop a video game.

Okay, so like I said two paragraphs ago, I should sleep so it doesn't look like my fiancé is marrying someone who was just dug up. We really left this shoot late- we're getting married in a month! Oh well, better late than never. It took a long time to be able to schedule it due to multiple variables I will mention in future posts.

Goodnight, fellow insomniacs! Good morning, east coasters!

xo