Psychotropic Drugs: Part 2

So, I left off at developing a tolerance to Lexapro. What I probably should have done was increase my dose, but instead I went to my doctor and told him I wanted to switch to Cymbalta. I also have fibromyalgia and had read that Cymbalta could be good for chronic pain, in addition to being good for anxiety. So, I switched. It took at least 2-3 months for me to realize that the Cymbalta had made me extremely depressed. I didn't want to get out of bed, was sleeping far too many hours in addition to napping during the day, couldn't get excited about anything, it was terrible. Again, I felt like I was trapped behind double-paned glass and that my life and the world was on the other side and, no matter how much I wanted it, I couldn't get to the other side. I was relieved to discover that this was a result of the Cymbalta. Apparently, I fell into the small percentage of people for whom Cymbalta was a bad idea.

The next part is where I made my mistake. I don't blame my doctor. When I went to see him with my solution, I was very convincing. Instead of wanting to try another medicine for anxiety, I began researching treatment for the depression. I later (much later) realized this was a mistake. I was treating a bad side effect from the Cymbalta, which would go away after I got off it. Why did I want to treat a side effect that would go away instead of my anxiety (which was being squashed by the depression). I wasn't thinking clearly. I was enticed by the fact that my doctor told me that the Wellbutrin would allow my sex drive to return (the Lexapro and Cymbalta had stolen it) and allow me to lose the weight I had gained as a result of the same offenders.

Well, the Wellbutrin worked like gangbusters. My depression vanished, I got my sex drive back, started dropping weight and was happy. The only problem: it made me have -terrible- anger outbursts. It was awful. However, the positive effects were so good that I wanted to find a way to make it work, so I spoke to my doctor, who prescribed Abilify to counter the anger. The two together were magic. I was the happiest and most peaceful I had ever been in my life. It was even better than when I was on Lexapro. Unfortunately, the Abilify was making my (already bad) pain so much worse. My hands hurt so much in the morning and at night that my husband had to open bottles and cans for me. My feet hurt so much that it was hard to walk. It was awful. I went to my doctor to talk about switching the Abilify for something else. He suggested cutting my dose down instead (from 10mg to 5mg) to see if that would do the trick. Then that insanity began...

I was only on the smaller dose for 4 days before I couldn't take it anymore. I was terrified of absolutely everything. Things that nobody in their right mind would spend their time thinking about, I was obsessing about. I was crying all the time, didn't want to get out of bed, it was the worst few days I had in as long as I could remember. Without consulting my doctor (IDIOT) I took myself back up to my original dose of 10mg, thinking I would be just fine. Well, it's been over a month and I'm still going through the same thing. I went to a psychiatrist for the first time ever one week into the hell. I will never see him again, and neither should anyone else. I'm not going to mention his name because I don't want to be sued. I'll call him Dr. K. After supposedly listening to me, he prescribed Gabapentin for anxiety and said that would handle all my problems. I then left town for a 22-day work road trip. 3 days in with no difference I called Dr. K and said that my terror and panic was worse than ever. He said that it was my problem and needed to be medicated. Supposedly that was what the Gabapentin was for, but apparently he hadn't been listening. He said the Gabapentin wouldn't help with the fear and panic attacks I was having, but that when I got back in town he would have to prescribe a 4th medicaiton. I repeated over and over that this had NEVER been a problem before the Abilify change, to which he responded, "No, no, this is a problem with you and I can prescribe more medication for it." So, 1) He put me on medication that WASN'T for the problem I was having and, 2) He completely ignored the fact that all this fear and panic was a result of reducing then re-upping the Abilify dose and claimed that it was definitely my issue and wanted to give me yet another medication for it. Yeah, he's great.

After a LOT of online research I discovered that fear and panic were a result of coming off of, then re-upping my Abilify dose. I read account after account of people who, when coming off Abilify, experienced the worst fear and panic they ever had in their life, and they didn't know how they got through it. I spoke many times with my regular doctor, Dr. Miller, the only one I trust, who said he didn't want to wean me off the Abilify until I was back in town, but that I could start coming off the Wellbutrin. I am almost completely off it now, and still feel awful. The fear and panic isn't quite as bad, but it is still definitely there. Ativan helps when I get the most serious bouts of fear and panic, but it's still there in the background. I am also starting to feel really depressed, and cry frequently, which I can only attribute to still having Abilify in my system and being off the Wellbutrin. Thankfully I am FINALLY back in town and am seeing my doctor, Dr. Miller tomorrow. He is going to help me wean off the Abilify. I am also coming off the Gabapentin, which I didn't need in the first place- thanks a lot Dr. K: were you even listening when I spoke to you?? "Oh Gabapentin isn't for that." Then why did you prescribe it?! Ugh, I'm still mad at him. Anyway, I cannot wait to speak to my doctor, Dr. Miller.

I am terrified of the Abilify withdrawals, but will just have to suck it up and get through it. I plan to be in bed, watching Charmed the whole time. I am absolutely exhausted, emotionally and physically, after a month of being scared of everything and having panic attacks, but the withdrawals will be worth it if it means getting past this. I'm most scared that the fear won't go away: that I'll be stuck with it. I pray with ever fiber of my being that this will not be the case. Once the chemicals are out, I'm hoping that the fear will go with them. I will post again once I see my doctor tomorrow.