Psychotropic Drugs: Part 1

Okay, it's time to write about psychotropic drugs. Good times.

About 4 years ago, I was diagnosed with General Anxiety Disorder. It was a relief. I'm more tightly wound than a spring in a jack in the box and always stressed about everything. Anything that had the power to induce stress did it to me ten-fold. In addition to that, I would have these episodes. I would become extremely angry and there was nothing that could change it. It was like I was locked in a perspex box filled with anger and tension where I would boil like a pot of water. If someone breathed on me they risked experiencing my wrath for absolutely no reason. I would fight with people, knowing I was in the wrong. Unfortunately, knowing it was not enough. I would say terrible things I didn't mean and the real me, buried beneath this insanity, would scream at the crazy me to stop, but with no luck. I knew it wasn't real, and that I was completely in the wrong, but it didn't matter. It wasn't until I pushed it so far that I finally burst into tears and apologized that I could get the real me back. During these episodes it was like I was trapped on the other side of double-paned glass while the rest of the world was on the other side and, no matter how hard I tried, I couldn't get back to the other side. Not until some sort of fight, like I mentioned before, or the hex magically broke on its own could I snap out of it. Needless to say, it cost me friends: as it should have! Who wants to be friends with Dr. Jeckyl and Mrs. Psycho Bitch?

It was when it started to jeopardize my relationship with my boyfriend (now my husband) that I decided there had to be something wrong with me (beyond your average girly crap) and I had to fix it. I loved that man, I knew he was the one, and the possibility of endangering what we had was the wake up call I needed to seek help. I went on Google and typed in all my symptoms. It turned out I was a perfect fit for GAD (general anxiety disorder). I had spent my entire life frowning on the use of psychiatric drugs. I always thought everything could be handled with mind over matter. It never occurred to me that there could actually be such a thing as a chemical malfunction that needed help. After much research I realized that it was no different than getting glasses to help with a vision problem.

After a visit to my doctor (Dr. David Miller in Agoura Hills: he's my hero) I started taking Lexapro. It was the best thing I had ever done. I felt like a normal person for the first time in my life. All the stress, crazy episodes, the million things running a marathon through my head with no break, it was gone. Well, not gone completely but, like I said, I felt normal. My reactions to things were appropriate, I only worried about things that warranted concern and, most importantly, I didn't have episodes of solid anger where everything made me furious and I couldn't snap out of it.

So, for about two and a half years, I was a happy, normal person. Then I developed a tolerance for Lexapro and started down a very bad spiral, which I will cover in the second part of this blog...